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Backstabbers

I hear a lot of stories from colleagues and my website visitors about their work environment – relationships with managers and colleagues, work-life management, career aspirations, professional challenges. When I reviewed David St. Lawrence’s book, Danger Quicksand – Have a Nice Day, I was relieved that finally someone is telling the whole truth about the ugly side of corporate employment – backstabbing. When I wrote Rules for Professionals, backstabbing was a problem we cannot ignore.

I am convinced that backstabbing is the biggest driver of corporate cynicism and rot. Backstabbing can be subtle, hidden from view. Backstabbers aren’t always called out, they get away with backstabbing, which encourages them to use backstabbing as a viable method for career advancement.

A common form of backstabbing is between coworkers. For example, a professional has an issue that he wants to approach his manager. Before he approaches his manager, he decided to talk it over with his coworker to get that coworker’s perspective. The coworker then turned around and told the manager… and in this situation, we can only guess how the coworker portrayed the situation to the manager. The manager then storms into the professional’s office and demands to know what he was planning.

If you work with someone like this professional’s coworker, then you know that feeling of betrayal and disgust. If you don’t “call out” this person, he will continue to behave this way, especially when he thinks it is a great way to ingratiate himself with the manager and “earn” that manager’s trust.

Hold a meeting with both the coworker and the manager. Say that you want to prevent further misunderstanding, and tell the manager what you said to the coworker. Ask the coworker what he said to the manager. I guarantee this coworker will think twice before doing this to you or to another person in the future.

Dealing with backstabbers is like dealing with a festering wound under a bandaid that has become contaminated. You need to air out that wound and expose it. Then you need to clean it out. Ignoring backstabbing causes this behavior to fester and poison the organization.

Backstabbing can be stopped – one backstabber at a time.

This was written by Jane Chin. Posted on Saturday, February 11, 2006, at 9:50 am. Filed under Articles and Blog. Bookmark the permalink. Follow comments here with the RSS feed. Post a comment or leave a trackback.

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  • sick of it

    Sorry to say you’re wrong. Backstabbers CANNOT be stopped. They always find a way to screw you over every chance they can. I’ve dealt with them for nearly 20 years and when you approach them, they either go into denial, scream at you, or withdraw. Then they revert back to their backstabbing ways. My favorite type of backstabber is the “phony friend” who asks all kinds of questions and pretends to like you, just so they can tell you off to everyone in your building. BACKSTABBERS SUCK.

  • http://www.JaneChin.com Jane Chin

    I’m not sure what field you work in – it sounds like you’ve got a few backstabbers around you! You bring up a good point – whether backstabbers can be stopped depends on the whole team.

    Backstabbers are backstabbing because it’s working for them and they’re getting whatever they want out of their behaviors. Someone is listening to the gossip a backstabber is spreading, and encouraging it by contributing more into the gossip pool. This validates the backstabber’s behavior, which converts the gossip recipient into a backstabber himself/herself.

    As with most poisons, backstabbers sometimes end up harming themselves from their uncontrolled enthusiasm of damaging their victims. Unfortunately it doesn’t help the victims feel much better.

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  • Another victim

    In my case the backstabber worked for me and was also the nephew of the CEO. When I accepted the position I was not made aware of the relationship. This person needed a lot of training but rejected hard work and chose to take numerous sick days instead. When he was at work he would literally sit around eating and browsing the net. It was demoralizing for my team who complained about favoritism. Eventually, he literally threw me under a bus. I was demoted immediately after I suggested he needed ‘encouragement’. I left the company soon after and since then the manager that replaced me was fired after she too refused to tolerate this brat’s behavior. This was a battle that could not be won. It has left me full of rage though. I wish I could publicly name and expose this work place backstabber.

  • http://www.JaneChin.com Jane Chin, PhD.

    The fact that you and your successor meeting a similar fate suggests that the CEO knows about the problem but either doesn’t care to do anything about his toxic-workplace causing nephew or is too scared to confront the family about him.

    If this continues I’d be counting down the days when the company itself goes under a bus, or when the CEO finally does something before the CEO goes under a bus.

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  • Corinne

    I have worked for the same large company for a number of years, and have encountered the “phony friend” whom I work in close quarters with in a small group. I have tried many, many, many times to “air out” the situation, and hit that wall of denial, turning it around and blame. This person has ingratiated herself with the boss, and been “friends” with the boss for a long time as well. Even bosses before this one who have not put up with it think I am just complaining and don’t want to hear it, they just tell us to work it out amongst ourselves. I have never encountered a situation where this person has been made accountable for her behavior. A few times she has slipped up and gotten into trouble on her own, but even while I have been on a leave of absence the backstabbing continues, and I have to go back to wrk soon and face this person again. Changing jobs is not an option at this point. Silence doesn’t stop this person either, they make up their own garbage. I have just learned to live with it and avoid her as much as possible, she will never change.

  • Peter

    I worked with someone who did the following to me:

    Did not tell me about certain things. When I found out he said well you’ve done that job before so why cann’t I. I said next time tell me.

    The second major intance was when I got the blame for something. I got shouted at by a senior person (who for all the money he earned didn’t bother to think for 3 seconds) for didn’t even ask what happend. I confronted this Back Stabber and proved to him it had to have been him. The senior manager kept quiet as he was embarrested that:a)He made a mistake + b) he made himself look an arsehole. He even went up a another senior collegue and said he had made a mistake (pitty he didn’t have the guts to tell me).

    The third major occassion was when I received a phone call in the middle of the night/early hour. Yes, you guessed it, it was BackStabber. (I was living abroad at the time) I told him (politly) it is very late Back Stabber said he didn’t realise the time. I put the phone down.

    A month later I got an email from someone which said something like,why are you miserable? I phoned this person up and asked what does this mean? He said that Back Stabber phoned you to see how you are and you told him to go away.I was fumming. I said to this guy,”Listen, he phoned me a in the middle of the night. Did he tell you that?”. This guy said know and kept silent. I told Back Stabber about this a year or so later (I should have reported him to senior people I could have proved he phoned me plus the email from the other guy proved something happend) and he denied it. I hope some bad happens to Back Stabber and his family. Something really, really terrible. Sometimes, just sometimes what goes around comes around. Why should arseholes like that get away at being dishonest?

  • http://www.JaneChin.com Jane Chin, PhD.

    Peter,

    I tried emailing you re: your above post, but my email bounced. Can you send me an email and let me know what address works for you?

    My addy is janeychin(at)gmail(dot)com

    Thanks,
    Jane

  • CB

    Backstabbing seems to be the losers way to gain ground at any company. The backstabber are usually insecure and many times feel they cannot compete with others. They are well aware of thier limits. And so they must take action to be made to feel more secure many times at anothers expense. The easisest way this is done is by building up enough trust with a person to get them to open up.

  • Eric Shoemaker

    Backstabbers are not only insecure people, but they’re people who give themselves over to “envy.”

    According to the Bible, Backstabbers or Backbiters are to be “let go.” In other words, you are to be more cautious in the first place on who you let in your “inner circle” and even at work, be cautious. The Bible makes it pretty clear to distance yourselves from these types of people.

    Two other interesting notes about this: The Bible says the Backbiter is “troubled in their own minds.” So do not think they are getting away freely with this kind of behavior. The Bible also says they are deserving of death. So they’re not going to be around.

    Need Proof? Jesus Christ took the high road and was not troubled. Judas Iscariot committed suicide. All Backstabbers and Backbiters are from Judas. If that one didn’t get away, you need not worry yourselves that the others like him will get away. They will not.

    Now I realize that not everyone will believe the Bible on this matter, so let me give you a good secular source. “The Prince” by Niccolo Machiavelli. In that work, Machiavelli warns against those who would flatter you. Flatterers are not your friends, they are the “phony friends” the Backstabbers. Backstabbers will almost always seek to gain your trust, and this usually involves some form or flattery on their part. It’s very difficult to defend against because most people want to be accepted in their own little worlds.

    Machiavelli called this type of individual a poison difficult to deal with, but at least he gave us an “identifier.” So when someone flatters you, perhaps more than usual, there should be Red Flags all over the place on your part.

    There you have it then, both the Bible and Machiavelli (a secular source) are not only warning you against these types of people, but at the same time, telling you to distance yourselves from them. Believe me, they will miss you more than you miss them. Sooner or later, life goes on and the people who wise up and are watching are going to notice that this person cannot be trusted.

    Moreover, the Backstabber can never again regain your trust. There’s your victory. It’s very difficult for the Backstabber to regain the Victim’s trust again.

    When it happened to me two years ago, I distanced myself from those losers, and believe me, I have never looked back. These kinds of people can never be deserving of your friendship. Besides, if there is no ‘trust’, there isn’t anything.

    These types of people may have won their minor victory, but in the long run, it will prove to be just that, very minor; certainly not worth losing a good friend over it.

    Remember, the Bible says they are troubled in their minds. Why? It’s right there in front of you: sooner or later, they Backstab someone and lose that someone. That someone will no longer trust them, nor will they have anything to do with them. It must really suck to lose someone and know at the same time you cannot get them back because of something you did.

  • Eric Shoemaker

    Corinne’s account of the backstabber is very similar to the one I encountered, in fact, it is identical. For whatever reason, you can never trust this kind of person and they are never satisfied with backstabbing just one individual, for in my own case, I watched this backstabber stab several people in the back. And I was only there for 3 years. I not only saw the whole thing go down several times, but also knew it would happen to me someday. Was I in denial? Perhaps, but I just couldn’t be the type of person who leans more towards paranoia and distrust than giving others the benefit of the doubt. I still believe that the best way to deal with the backstabber is to “exile” this person from your life and life’s experiences, for not only can they never regain your trust, but they have nothing to offer anyway. Let it be for them, the backstabbers, as in a dreamy past, they saw you leave and never return.

  • http://janechin.com/about Jane Chin

    I’m wondering if sometimes management prefer to ignore backstabbers because managers are scared of these people. We think that managers have more power than non-managers but when it comes to a person who has some pathological need to harm others and even take pleasure in watching the consequences — well, I think most people managers included want to get away from that and not incur the backstabber’s wrath either.

  • Eric Shoemaker

    I don’t think so. The manager (so-called) sees an opportunity to spy on or keep an eye on the rest, so he or she then resorts to unethical tactics and playground antics. The Backstabber then is perfect for the job, for they not only hate others, but they hate themselves as well when there finally comes a day when the backstabber “stabs” someone they actually care about. But why did this come as a surprise to them? Because it’s just a pathetic game to them and they never expected to care about anyone. This is why Judas Iscariot tried to hang himself, but ultimately failed when the branch broke and he was dashed to pieces on the rocks. Until the Backstabber runs across this scenario, they just keep getting away with it, which is why I don’t quite agree with your response to “Sick of It”, for he is right about that, the Backstabber seldom gets what he or she deserves. And the owners are so seldom around to see what the managers and those in HR are doing. This is why you’re seeing an escalation in violence in the work place. Biblically speaking though, these kinds of people are likely “finished”, for if remorse could have saved Judas, then he would have been saved, but that was not the case. Judas’s have no chance in the end, their time is now and only now at least according to the scriptures. I guess if they are lucky, then one of the other religions will be correct, or there will be no God at all, but in the meantime, they will never again be trusted by those they have backstabbed. It only takes once for the victim not to care anymore.