At first I thought that I was a destructive force – I wrote about this in this volume, weeks earlier.
Yet the destructive force was only a facet of what I represent – what my true life purpose is:
CATALYST.
I know people throw this word around like it is something cool and impressive sounding. But now I am beginning to understand the full responsibility of being a catalyst, and it comes with rewards as well as a lot of pain.
For one thing, I realize now that I am meant to have only fleeting moments in some people’s lives – maybe most people’s lives. I come in when I am needed, I take them on the next step of their journey, help them get unstuck in a particular point in time – and then I had to leave or else I would become destructive to the field itself.
It is as if the finalized reaction needs to be left as is, rather than be stirred with, or further catalyzed by me.
That is the thing about being a human catalyst. Unlike a chemical catalyst that remains faithful to its one and only role in its life, a human catalyst like me can adapt and change. Because my power is in the movement itself, not in the fidelity of the Lock-and-Key model. If I do not leave, I will continue to catalyze what should have been left alone, and this comes at the expense of my own truthfulness in purpose and usefulness as a human catalyst.
And I may even compromise the gifts that I was born with, by trying too hard to make things fit in such a way that I should keep staying there.
This is why I leave people. I must leave them. It is not because they have stopped serving a purpose for me. On the contrary, it is because I have completed service of my purpose for them, and it is my duty to leave before my lack of command over my gift creates havoc on the beautiful thing I had just helped catalyze.
And if we use a forest fire analogy… sometimes we create deliberate forest fires as a way to rejuvenate the forest. But once the purpose is served, the fire needs to be extinguished. Imagine if the fire is left to continue well beyond its purpose. The whole forest burns down, and the fire itself also dies.
This is perhaps why I have very few true friends, and these friends must not have critical purpose-driven relationships with me. My true friends must come in their self contained universes where they are in my life for the sake of companionship itself. It cannot be a relationship where there is any strong requirement for mutual reciprocation along business lines or even personal lines. Because this then actives my catalyst complex and who knows what will happen in the chemistry between us.
I know I have found this grain of truth in my existence, because I feel at peace.
It doesn’t stop me from feeling a little bit sad, though, because I have not yet learned a more compassionate way of leaving people who wants to keep me for more than I can ever be for them.
