At the cusp of change there appears a widening chasm
between where I just was am now want to be
when the very thing I want gone
keeps cropping up in ugly ways
or perhaps it was no uglier
than it always was but
now I see it know it
(I’ll give an example)
When I wanted to discipline my emotions and mind
and retrain that unruly tongue from lashing
I find myself reacting knee-jerking
even more often than i ever did
while it happens i watch
in frustration with a
feeling of failure
(and of course, toward the very person i want to stop lashing out against)
Maybe as I straddle a transformation I get lost to
the mechanics of the leap as I reshuffle my
neurons and rearrange my thoughts
and wonder which hand should
first let go and which should
grab onto that faraway
ledge of “next”
(then in my confusion I swing back to the wrong side in the biggest way)
Post-Mortem:
I wonder why I keep doing the very things I said
I wanted to discipline myself from doing
I am mystified by this, but I feel like
I am failing and falling
one step closer to
the truth.
