I am between worlds, a key without a lock to open.
I have known the bliss of being on purpose, when I am used as the instrument that I am meant to be.
Now I am wondering and wandering again. I feel aimless.
There were times when I struggled against this feeling of aimlessness, when I knew I wasn’t where I was supposed to be, and I called out to the God I don’t know to help me.
That was the hell of knowing I was in the wrong place and that I needed to be somewhere else and that I wanted to be somewhere else only I don’t know where.
But this is not one of those times.
This is the time when I struggle against this feeling of aimlessness but I know I am where I am supposed to be, and I choose not to call out to the God I still don’t know for anything.
This is the hell of knowing I am in the right place and that I needed to be here but I would much rather be somewhere else only I know I am not yet ready to be there.
This, my friend, is the time when Marines say, “You Embrace the Suck”.
It is this feeling of utter cluelessness and lack of control and ignorance and uncertainty, interjected with a periodic self doubt.
I am supposed to be here, writhing in mental agony and emotional frustration and spiritual ennui.
I am supposed to live through it as part of preparing for what is to come, even if I don’t know “what” is to come.
Hell is living in bliss but not experiencing bliss.
Hell is being blessed but not feeling blessed.
Hell is having everything and enjoying nothing.
Hell is feeling like I don’t belong where I belong.