JANE CHIN, PH.D. ∞

[A prose poem to Little Boy, originally written May 19, 2011]

I love these days when you are young and we dance to the songs you like
You want me to shake the music shaker – you hold one while I hold the other
We dance to “Lithium Flower”, the ending theme of Ghost in the Shell’s Stand Alone Complex
We dance as we walk in a circle in the office, stepping up on the covered table then stepping down
The first time I do this I hit my right shin very hard against the edge of the table
My shin bleeds and it still hurts right now, I bet there is a bruise beneath the band-aid
We dance to “Paper Planes” from Slumdog Millionaire and I use the tambourine for the loud percussion parts
You shriek in delight and hop with excitement as we make our way around the office

These are the days when you still love how I count your fingers and toes and tickle you
When you still need me for comfort, assurance, and just about everything fun to do like
Me shredding pages of a catalog so you can glue them onto the pieces of paper
You will go through one glue stick a day, or as many glue sticks as I’ll give you
You glue the bits of paper like scales on a sheet, it looks pretty cool actually
I am going to save them all so that when you get older I can show you that
I helped with these because each piece of paper I have torn for you to use

I can’t describe the way I feel when you would sing or break into an exercise routine
It’s a mixture of love and delight and a sense of awe and wonder for the way you are
You have so much happiness and joy and laughter and curiosity and – oh yes – willfulness too
The last few tiffs between us came from you refusing to say you’re sorry
Maybe you are afraid that if you say you’re sorry
It meant you did something wrong (Yes, you did!) and
Maybe I’ll not love you anymore (Never will happen!)

I don’t know how to assure you that it’s OK for you to admit that you’ve done wrong,
It will never make me love you any less, but what this will do is for you to get your
Mistakes out in the open and separate them from “you” so that you will not confuse
These mistakes as completely defining who you are. We all make mistakes,
sometimes not intentionally, sometimes intentionally. What is most important is that
When we realize that we have made a mistake, to own what we have done and to admit
That we are wrong, and then we can remove our subjectivity (and ego) from what has happened
and objectively look at how we can improve our choices and our decisions and right our wrongs.

You have to learn that your actions can define you
But it doesn’t mean that every single action is a “life or death” situation, although yes
You may come across a very important choice or a life defining decision
When your action will indeed define you. It is not easy to determine which of the
Choices you make may end up being the one that changes your lives forever,
But this makes it all the more important that you become conscious and conscientious of
The actions that you do take, and to take responsibility for what you have done, and to
Take ownership of the consequences including admitting that you have chosen foolishly or
that you have made a bad decision or that you have jumped to conclusions or
even that you have been lazy or unprepared or that you have acted with ill will or out of anger.
I have done all of these things, and I believe most human beings will do all of these things
Over the course of their lives, and what is important is how a person comes to the realization
Of what he has done and what he chooses to do with this realization afterward.

You see, my Dear, being human is an imperfect science, there is no “control group” or “test group”
And most of the time we’re all making our best educated guesses as we navigate through our lives.
So there are plenty of chances to mess up and muck up and do the sort of things that you will
Look back and say, “why, oh, why on Earth did I ever do THAT?”

Please know that I believe in your goodness and kindness and joyfulness and it is
This “light” within you that I see as the source of who you are as a human being.
This light will guide you throughout your life, during the times when you feel
Very dark inside, remember that darkness is a temporary state of mind,
But it is light that forever lives in your heart.