People seem to like one of the taglines I’ve used on my social media profiles: “Because I am important in the life of my child, I am shown the Secrets of the World.”
Occasionally one may ask, “what are these secrets?”
I’ve been writing some of these “secrets” to my child, in case one day in the future he may find wisdom or encouragement or comfort in what lessons I have learned through this journey in my life.
Often, these “secrets” are hidden in plain sight. I don’t aspire to hit my child over the head with pronouncements of “Work Hard! Play Hard!” and well-worn cliches about how to live life. Books have been written by authors more adept than I am at making cliches engaging.
Instead, I write letters. I write letters and poetry to him. Some of my words are uplifting. Some of my words are sad. All of my words are written in gratitude of the blessing I have been given in this life, even when many of those times have been wrought with fear and uncertainty and self-doubt on my part (“Can I handle this? What if I can’t handle this?”).
I’ll share the most recent letter I have written, from 11/23/2011.
My fellow readers, I hope you enjoy this letter I’ve written to my son, and may some of you find some wisdom or comfort for your own journey.
Dear Jaden:
When you were a baby and when I wore you close to my chest in a Moby wrap, I would play ABBA’s “I have a dream” and sing to you. It was one of the songs I chose because it sounded like a good lullaby song. I didn’t realize how much the song would ring true to my journey here on Earth with you.
“I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream, I have a dream”
I am writing this on Thanksgiving eve, one week before your fourth birthday. In some ways my journey as your mother has been a sort of fairy tale, but it has been too long since I had experienced wonder; too long since I had felt awe of a fairy tale.
My time with you feels like a spiritual journey, the way your presence in my life has shown me so much about myself in ways I could not have imagined. Every day when I am around you and I look at your smile and I listen to your laughter, you remind me of all the good things in my life that I used to be too busy to see or hear or feel. The way that I can describe what it means to have you as my little boy is as if I am living with a vibrant light that has come into my life to call upon the vibrant light that lives within me.
“I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through reality
And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream, I have a dream
I’ll cross the stream, I have a dream”
Now that you are almost four years old, you have learned to sing this song. Even though you are singing by sound and you may not know all the words yet, you have perfect pitch and rhythm. When I listen to you sing, when I watch you learn, I sometimes wonder why you have chosen to come unto this world bearing the gifts and burdens you bear in this life.
Even as you are young, your indomitable spirit is strong and beautiful. You have shown me what pure will looks like through the unfettered desire of a child wanting to learn, wanting to become conscious of the world around him, wanting to open his mind to the humanity within him.
Jaden, you are truly my youngest spiritual teacher. In this journey I may look like I am guiding you, but in reality you are leading me through what darkness I may harbor in my mind. You make me want to be a good person. You make me a better human being.
“I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream, I have a dream
I’ll cross the stream, I have a dream”
For what feels like eternity I had been wondering why I am here.
For the longest time I asked what I am supposed to be doing in my life. Before you were born, I asked my question and then I answered it: what was I supposed to be doing, what was I supposed to be producing, what was I supposed to be achieving?
Then you were born and my whole world changed in what seems a blink of an eye.
My question began to change from what I was supposed to be doing to what I am supposed to be.
Of all the many roles I have tried, none seemed so foreign to me as becoming a mother, and yet none has become such a foundational and cellular part of me as being your mother. Suddenly, what I was producing seemed to pale in comparison to the person I was becoming. Am I becoming the person I want to be — to be the kind of mother to you I wish to be? That had become my question.
As you grew, my world continued to change. I have lived through three revolutions of fear of an unknown. I have cried tears in self-blame, tears of gratitude, tears of anger, tears of joy, tears of confusion, tears of surrender, and tears of sadness.
My question changed again and I no longer ask what kind of a person I was becoming or should become.
You see, Dear Jaden, once upon a time I asked what I should do.
Then I grew to ask who I want to become.
Now as my eyes open wider still, I have learned that my question has changed to where it is a question no more.
Now — However You Are, As You Are — I want To Be.
Thank you for being a blessing in my life.
Love,
Mom
