these past few days i have been spending more “attentive time” with jaden especially in the evening hours.
maybe it is because i feel like i have not been as present as i would like to be.
maybe it is because next week i will be gone for 2 nights and i know i will miss him a lot.
it is very tiring but it also feels sweet.
this morning i had a quick thought about how the significance of my life and how the meaning of my life is something that is my own construct.
if i am satisfied that my life’s experience is meaningful by virtue of engaged attention with jaden, and i am at peace with that, then to my consciousness, i would feel that my life has significance.
but if i keep not feeling satisfied no matter what, then no matter what, i would always be questioning or feel like i do not experience significance.
yesterday i also read from meher baba’s discourses that the real thirst of man is his thirst for knowing god – and it made me realize that perhaps all this time that i thought i was seeking significance, i may really be seeking a union with the divine.
i may be seeking that return.
i had read somewhere that when we are very thirsty, we would feel as if we were hungry, when in fact we were thirsty instead.
then this feeling of unsettled, itch, seeking, unquenchable thirst that i had long interpreted as wanting to prove myself or “be significant” – maybe it is about me surrendering myself to the divine.
